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214 opinions for Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth

• Shani
  Jan 4, 2007 at 10:19 am

  Sex can mean things other than intercourse.

  If my spouse is feeling romantic, sometimes all I need to do is cuddle him a bit while he masturbates. The closeness is good for both of us, even if I’m not feeling terribly sexy myself.

• kbaggott
  Jan 4, 2007 at 10:37 am

  Well, that’s a nice compromise.

• Babylune - Adventures in post-partum recovery.
  Jan 5, 2007 at 2:37 am

  [...] Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth kbaggott | January 4th 2007 - 07:34 Posted in The first 6 weeks, Weeks 6 to 12, Emotional Wellbeing [...]

• Tiffany
  Jan 5, 2007 at 12:43 pm

  The most important thing is mom’s recovery. I think men need to take a step back and get some perspective. For me 8 weeks was the minimum and even then with breastfeeding a libido was rare. I am glad I have a very understanding hubby.

• Brit’s Blog » » Words that make you go hmmm…
  Jan 5, 2007 at 1:52 pm

  [...] http://www.babylune.com/lost-libido-normal-sex-after-childbirth/ [...]

• Stephanie
  Jan 5, 2007 at 10:03 pm

  8 weeks is generous, if you’re expecting it back by then. My baby is 4 1/2 months and I still could care less. Breastfeeding really puts a damper on things, especially if you don’t have a cycle. (Which I don’t, when I am nursing).
  Not wanting it, is so normal. But it is lame for husbands.

• Sorry, I'm too embarrassed
  Jan 6, 2007 at 10:05 pm

  I must be rather abnormal; after all 3 of my kids I haven’t been willing to wait more than 3 weeks. I love making love with my husband - pain or no pain! It’s definitely not the time for the “Rough Riders”, though. :) Gentleness is greatly appreciated for quite a while.

• sam
  Jan 13, 2007 at 1:35 pm

  6.5 months and still counting….feel like if i never have sex again i wont miss it. Feel guilty for husband though so do play along for him.

• Marco Web
  Jan 14, 2007 at 11:18 am

  My wife is not interested in sex like it was before giving birth. I think it is for various reasons, ranging from being too exhausted and also being a full-time mum. Could be down to hormones or post-natal depression. I’m talking about the 8 months after the baby’s born. Nothing left then masturbating.

• meaghan
  Jan 30, 2007 at 9:14 am

  I have a 5 month old son, first child, and I want nothing more than to feel sexually aroused again. I am so afraid that my relationship is over with, sexually! I want to have sex, but when we do, it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. The sexual attraction is gone!!! Will things always be this way? How hard do I have to work at making them change?

• kbaggott
  Jan 30, 2007 at 10:00 am

  Meaghan-

  You need to focus on the arousal, not the sex. And, you and your partner need to be able to discuss it. Preferably, over a nice dinner you don’t have to prepare or clean up.

  This has nothing to do with sexual organs or the sense of touch. It has to do with exhaustion and hormones.

  To be honest, I am not sure things can ever be the same again. Life has changed forever and so have you and your partner.

  But, things can get good again, probably around the time your body is ready for another baby. I am not sure it’s up to you to work at this. I think it’s up to your husband to seduce you. For him to really seduce you. Not for him to pester you until you give in, but to find new pleasures.

• Elisa
  Feb 12, 2007 at 2:00 am

  My baby is 6 months old and my husband and I used to have a smokin’ sex life. We’re not really exhausted since we have two sets of enthusiastic grandparents who chomp at the bit to give us ample breaks. My huz and I are still very affectionate and sweet but my libido is GONE! I could care less about sex. Ever.

• ratphooey
  Feb 12, 2007 at 7:48 pm

  Elisa, sometimes I find that, while my mind couldn’t care less, if I just let my body go, my mind gets with the program after a while. You know?

• kbaggott
  Feb 12, 2007 at 11:26 pm

  Elisa- I’ve been starting the weaning process and felt a glimmer of return.

  Wow Ratphooey! To me it seems like only a few weeks since baby two was born.

• ratphooey
  Feb 13, 2007 at 3:11 am

  Oh, I was speaking about the last go-round. At only three weeks post-partum, I’m too sleep-deprived to even consider it now! :-)

• elizabeth
  Feb 25, 2007 at 10:13 pm

  almost 6m postpartum with first child- and for awhile I thought I was the only one that felt like this. At least I;m not alone in feeling this way. I could care less about sex. I am almost turned off by the thought of it, It’s still painful when we try and I’m just not arroused-ever!!. My husband is so great and very understanding, but I still can’t help myself for feeling almost guilty. I know it’s probably a combo of being emotionally exhausted and hormonal ( still breastfeeding), but it’s frustrating cause I want to want it-(I think) My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. Hope this will eventually get better- Maybe I should see my docter.??? This sucks !!

• Marie
  Feb 26, 2007 at 11:15 am

  Ever since I had my first child I have not wanted to have sex or do much of anything sexual with my husband. When she was 8 months old I got pregnant again and now my second daughter is only 4 weeks old. My sexual desire has never returned. It totally sucks beacsue I feel guilty all the time. I thought I would have a sex drive when I was pregnant because I did with my first but nothing!! I can see the sadness in my husbands eyes wen I say that I dont feel like it. I feel terrible. I am only 4 weeks post-partum and intercourse is totally out of the question but I do not want to do any “fooling around” at all. I would rather just cuddle. Sex has never been the same…sometimes painful and just feels like a responsibility. I find myself annoyed with my husband when I actually do have sex. What is wrong with me!!?? Any advice…

• Jenna
  Feb 28, 2007 at 11:26 am

  My baby is a little over 3 months old, and I want to have sex but really don’t care if I don’t. I am a full-time student and a new mom and I am really just too tired to do anything. When we get a night without the baby, all I want to do is just sleep. and…when we do have sex, I don’t really enjoy it all that much. I got the Depo shot in January and am approaching the next, so this one is waring off, and my libido is a little higher than before. Is the shot part of my problem?

• kbaggott
  Feb 28, 2007 at 12:32 pm

  Marie & Jenna- You are both completely normal. IN fact, it’s weirder to want sex after giving bith. The statistics are in: parents have less sex and it can take two years for your libido to recover after the birth of a child.

  http://www.babylune.com/its-official-parents-have-less-sex/

  But birth control hormones can make women feel less stimulated in that way (the opposite is also true). Thyroid hormone problems can also arise right after childbirth and should be checked. No libido is also a symptom of thyroid problems.

• Kristine
  Mar 3, 2007 at 10:59 am

  It’s been sixteen months, and our baby is now ten months old. I was waiting for the stitches to heal and the pain to subside. Now I am waiting to be seduced. :)

• Ratphooey
  Mar 3, 2007 at 12:10 pm

  Kristine,

  I wanted lots of sex during the second trimester of my first pregnancy. But the second one, while working a demanding job AND coming home to an active toddler? Sleep was all I wanted.

  #2 is six weeks old, and it’s still all I want. :-)

  But I’d welcome a little seduction any time now.

• Colin
  Mar 5, 2007 at 5:00 pm

  “I must be rather abnormal; after all 3 of my kids I haven’t been willing to wait more than 3 weeks. I love making love with my husband - pain or no pain!”
  God Bless this woman.

  Otherwise, I wholeheartedly encourage all men with high libido’s to carefully choose outside lovers. The things I read about women’s expectation that even highly sexed men, should take it on the chin, serves only to train them to expect to ignore our needs whenever and for whatever. Don’t like your husband’s libido? Then don’t expect him to like yours.

  Before childbirth men should get their accounting and assets in order, when their is any indication that it will simply be better to go.

  After all the usually expected sacrifice and kiddies become older, many women will take lovers themselves and leave with the kids anyway. So, it is simply time to face facts. Denial cuts no longterm favours.

  When delivery is unusually traumatic, of course their is some tolerance. I speak about respect for daddy’s libido and normal human needs.

  Don’t like my libido? Then I don’t like yours.

• kbaggott
  Mar 6, 2007 at 9:17 am

  Colin,

  Any new father who claims to have a highly active libido is obviously not playing his role as a parent. It is exhausting for both in the pair.

  And as for your suggestion to take a lover, I can’t imagine any idea more repugnant, irresponsible or neglectful of his family for man to do. Your attitude suggests that you are nothin but a heartless control freak who has never felt love for anyone. Understanding and sharing the load helps to repair a woman’s libido.

  But, there are plenty of reasons marriages break down. Based on your world view though, yours won’t break down based on your sex drive. It will break down on your self-centered egoism.

• Carla
  Apr 9, 2007 at 7:59 am

  I ended up being a single mom, and although it is very difficult doing everything on my own. I look at my friends who are married, they still do pretty much everything on their own (in regards to the baby care) and then have to deal with their husbands needs as well. I am happy not to have the added pressure of “When can we have sex again honey?” Let’s face it, men just don’t get it and our society doesn’t really help in this matter. My daughter is almost 9 months old and I am just starting to feel normal again.

• Shelley
  Apr 12, 2007 at 9:50 am

  It has been 13 months since my son was born and I still no sex interest, I am annoyed by my husbands advances, the libido is down…. and I feel very guilty and bad about it all. It is definetly causing a marriage strain, especially with a hubby who is a typical non talking kind of guy! I hate this, but love my son very much, and I love my husband too. HELP!

• Sarah
  Apr 17, 2007 at 10:54 am

  I have a 17 month old son… and I actually met my current finace 1 week prior to finding out I was pregnant. I told him right away and the father of the baby wanted nothing to do with the child. My boyfriend at the time stuck with me through the whole ordeal bc he said despite circumstances he just couldn’t walk away there was something there that he never had before. Throughout my early months of pregnancy the we were very close and intimate. Then the baby came in Nov of 05′. I was proposed to in September of 06′ and we are planning a big wedding for August. I love my fiance soooo much but have NEVER got back my desire to be intimate with him. I went to the dr. she suggested staying off the birthcontrol for a few months. this didn’t help at all!! I try drinking wine, I try thinking about sexy things and all I want to do is go to sleep when we get in bed. And when he try’s to kiss me- I almost get annoyed. Help should I be marrying someone if I have no interest in having sex with them. My fiance is very attractive and fit, clean cut and sooooo good to me. I just can’t bring myself to want to have sex with him. I don’t know what to do I feel horrible.

• kbaggott
  Apr 18, 2007 at 12:34 am

  Shelley & Sarah- Neither of you mention whether you are still breastfeeding & if the babies are still getting up in the night, both of which can and do impair libido. That’s why they say it can take two years for the sex drive to return.

  Other issues could be hormonal. Pregnancy & birth can affect the thyropid gland, a little butterfly-shaped organ that regulates your metabolism. One symptom is absense of sex drive. If there is a problem there, TSH and T4s can be checked via a simple blood test.

  If there is no thyroid or other hormonal issue, it might mean that mothering is just taking up every bit of your energy and identity. You probably need more time to yourself so that you remember who you are. You need that before you can share something intimate with your partner.

  Most people suggest a weekend away without the child, but that is just not possible for some people. What is possible for both of you, though, is a day away. You need to leave your children with your partner at 8am on a day off and not return until the baby is asleep for the night. Spend the day all by yourself being an adult, thinking adult thoughts, doing adult things. Whenever you feel yourself missing the baby, tell yourself that your child is fine with your partner, transfer those “I miss you emotions” and brainwash yourself into missing your partner instead.

  One day won’t change everything, but it is a start.

• Sarah
  Apr 18, 2007 at 8:35 am

  Hi-thanks fro the response. I actually didn’t breastfeed at all. I have thought about going to get my Thyroid checked bc I can’t think of what else it is except for possibly my situation since it was indeed an unplanned pregnancy, could I possibly “unconciously be turned away from sex now” We actually are going away next weekend by ourselves. The grandparents are taking the little one so I know he will be in good hands. I am going to see how the weekend effects our “sex life” if things don’t change over the weekend I am scheduling an appt to get the thyroid checked. My baby 90% of the time sleeps through the night but still wakes up very early. I do work full time and I’m in the mist of planning a wedding so I definatly would suggest some of it is from everyday stress but to be annoyed at my fiance’ wanting to kiss me…it not ok to me.

• kbaggott
  Apr 18, 2007 at 9:16 am

  You’re right Sarah, it’s not OK. I hope you have a great week-end away.

• Shelley
  Apr 18, 2007 at 10:39 am

  Nope, not breastfeeding anymore and it’s been quite a while. I have noticed that I am getting better or more ‘normal’ as time goes by, but still have a ways to go. I just may try something I would have never ever ever dreamed of… the female formula of viagra, vigorelle or erostat. Not sure yet though, stuff like that is not my thing. Once good thing is that my husband and I finally talked about all this and he really does understand and he is trying not to take it personally and get his feelings hurt which was happening! Just us talking has helped mentally and emotionally big time!

• kbaggott
  Apr 18, 2007 at 2:47 pm

  Shelley- They do say that good communication makes for better…well, you know…

• j9
  May 9, 2007 at 9:15 am

  Thanks to everyone who posted comments about low sex drive after baby….now I know it is totally normal…I was beginning to think there was something wrong in the marriage…like I wasn’t attracted to my husband anymore…its probably a combination of the hormones, breastfeeding and total sleep deprivation that is making me totally not interested in having sex right now…our daughter is only 8 weeks old.

• kbaggott
  May 9, 2007 at 9:24 am

  J9- Let’s face it, if your sex drive isn’t “normal” when your baby is two years old, you might have a problem. At 8 weeks, no libido is normal.

• Richardo
  May 9, 2007 at 6:44 pm

  For the first time in my google searching life i have struck what I wanted. My son is 8 months old and I am a Stay At Home Dad as of 6 weeks ago. Coinciding with a change of country from NZ to Japan, my wife is now working full time, and yes,we are not having the sex,,,libido,,,thats the friggin word, Talking about it is the only way forward,but hey. Guess I was trying too hard to get our sex life back to where it was. this info will help me stop nagging,,,its just that mens imagination for sex is a volcano…ok son awake,,better go changypoo!
  Thanks everyone
  incl Colin
  r

• kbaggott
  May 10, 2007 at 12:53 am

  Richardo- I want you to know that when your wife watches you interact with your child, sees your relationship develop, it helps her body clock re-set…Unless she gets a bit jealous because you and the baby are together all day. Are there activities or games the three of you can play together “like let’s find mummy” or “where’s daddy hiding” to give you an opportunity to feel like a team before the baby goes to bed?

  It’s one thing to reverse roles, to define schedules, but it’s another thing to really share them.

  Which also reminds me of the ten touches a day rule. I can’t remember which book it is, but one of the big relationship books says that in successful marriages, each member of the couple touches the other in a non-sexual but affectionate way at least ten times a day. Maybe one of the ten touches inevitably finds the “on” button?

  At least, all of us can hope.

• colby
  May 13, 2007 at 7:37 pm

  I turly feel for all ya’ll women. As a father of four (my fourth was born three weeks ago.) I can understand the points ya’ll are making. I do not mind the comments “guys just don’t understand, all they want is sex.” true some do.

  The problem I have is simply this. My wife likes for me to play with her sexually and give or oral, yet she does not return the favor at all. I mean no kind of way sexually. I do not ask as she gets seriously annoyed and aggravated.

  Please do insult all men as I do my fatherly duties with all four of my kids. My oldest is five. I do the diaper changing and nightly feedings. I take my wife out to dinner and the movies as often as I can so we can spend quality time together.

  What can I do so that she looks at me in same way.

• kbaggott
  May 14, 2007 at 1:50 am

  Hi Colby-

  Three weeks postpartum is really too soon to be worrying that it will never be the same. She’s probably still bleeding, the stiches (if any) have just recently healed and everything is still stretched out of shape. Leave her alone for eight weeks to do kegels and for everything to move back into place.

  Four kids in five years would take a serious toll on any woman both physically and emotionally.

  Is your family complete with four kids? If so, my first impulse is to suggest you have a vasectomy. It would take away the fear of her getting pregnant again, especially when your youngest is still so young. It really is, at least for me, the fear that stops me from letting go and just having a good time.

  While men don’t tend to like anyone messing with their plumbing, getting the snip is nothing like childbirth (especially times four). When you consider that the procedure takes fifteen minutes, the recovery time is about a day in bed with an ice pack and a few days of pain killers, and there is no risk of death from aenesthic, the arguments for vasectomy over tubal ligation are pretty strong.

  If you scheduled a talk with your doctor for next week and the procedure a week later, you’d have to abstain for another few weeks while your ejaculate is tested to make sure there are no little swimmers in there.

  Once you remove the fear of pregnancy from sex, there is one less barrier to sexual expression. And, you have to consider, sexual expression changes as couples are together longer.

  I am not a big porn consumer, but what I have seen was more about one really ugly hairy guy, humiliation and power than it was about love and sharing pleasure. Those two things are about communication: touch words, response and curiosity. Everyone’s understanding of those things changes the more complicated their lives get. Finding out how you and your partner are changing is part of being together. It takes time and attention when both are in short supply. That means making a place and a time when they are there.

  I wish we had enough space to make a private corner for ourselves. A no kids allowed married-couple club house just for us. It’s not an option in our tiny apartment, but it might be for you.

• colby
  May 14, 2007 at 12:03 pm

  thank you for the suggestions. there is more to this that might help you understand my situation. my first two kids or not for my current wife. they are for my x-wife. my current wife had me fight for them so we do have them in the household though. even though i think that was a mistake as she no longer wants them.

  i told her i wanted a vasectomy but she wants a daughter. which she blames me for not having lol. that is ok. she will be getting the iud mirena in a week or so. she does not want me to have the vasectomy even though i strongly want one as four kids at the age of 26 is a bit much. i love them to death but anymore would defintely put a bigger strain on this marriage.

  any thoughts on how to make this transition just a little more pleasant please advise. im at my wits end

• Phil
  May 21, 2007 at 7:30 pm

  Twenty-five years ago I heard the very same words from my wife. She told me not to expect any kind of sex for at least six months. Two years later our last child was born. I didn’t even ask for sex that time for six to eight months. In both cases waiting never cured anything. I was patient. I got up with the kids. I cooked, cleaned, pampered and only occasionally tried to get close to her in bed. I don’t know how many times over the few years that followed that I was rejected and physically shoved away. She gained a ton of weight and I was the model of the understanding husband. But after fives years of being rejected, limited to as many as four and as few as zero times of intercourse per year, I had a one night stand in a distant city. I felt so guilty that I stupidly confessed it a year later. Without her taking any responsibility she pounded me for years to come for my adultery. It’s not that I didn’t take responsibility for my action, but she continued to gain weight and continued to demand that I do everything around the house, while she continued to have temper tamptrums when I became insistent that we needed a sex life or counseling. I continued to live without any sex at all on some years while working to support the family. She had the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom, which she very much wanted. Job changes and greater levels of responsibility and money brought us to a new city and ready to buy the dream house. She wanted the house and I told her that I would buy it for her. But I also asked her to promise me that we would have a real marriage with a normal sex life (meaning at least once per month). She agreed but on the day we closed on the new house she rolled over away from me just as she had hundreds of times before. She had even marked the event on the calendar with the word, “CELEBRATE”! That meant more than going out for Mexican food. I laid in the dark realizing that I was the greatest fool in a 100 mile radius. My resentment grew as she continued to revile my needs and refusing to go with me for counseling. Four months later I was on a plane by myself. I had quite my job and taken another good job on the West Coast. My only regret was my kids. I visited from time to time during a year away and finally moved back into the house to insure that my children would have their father. I did not come back for my wife. But she had lost 100 pounds and looked great. Still, the homecoming was short-lived as she went back to the yelling and food addiction. The bed once again turned ice cold as she blamed me for everything that was wrong. My career had taken a beating and the next several years were a financial bomb. All along she verbally abused me as she made it clear that I didn’t deserve sex. So, we settled into a slow simmer of rage with her having her way about sex and me wondering if the nightmare would ever end. I became a regular patient on the psychiatrists couch as one mental and emotional stress and illness was treated. I’ve considered of late going to the hospital and seeking disability. Anxiety and clinical depression are only bearable with a variety of drugs. My once promising career is a joke. My friends pity me and I’m sure they feel sorry for my wife who has had to live with my unstable and black personality. Our sons are now grown and married to wonderful girls. I asked both sons privately if their prospective brides were the kind that … I didn’t say it, but they knew what I meant. They had both deliberately sought out a wife with the opposite temperament of their mother.

  I’m now considering how to live out my days with a woman who, no matter what the situation, will not even embrace me when I’m afraid.

  My wife has made it clear. I’m the last of all possible priorities in her life. Others have told me that I was handsome, smart, youthful and sexy. But my wife has convinced me that I’m not desirable. That can only mean one thing to a man. He is not a real man.

  Probably, I’m not a real man. A real man wouldn’t put up with being thrown away for twenty-five years. A real man would be wanted and desired by his wife. The real cost to a man when he has a wife who rejects him is that he eventually stops believing he is masculine. Worse … he just stops believing.

  Phil

• kbaggott
  May 21, 2007 at 11:39 pm

  Phil- I feel for you, but we both know that your comments and experiences are not related to your wife giving birth.

  While we haven’t heard your wife’s side of the story, it does sound like you are both mentally ill. It also sounds like each of you found, in the other, someone who brings out the worst in your personalities. I am sure you know all about co-dependency from your own therapy.

  I don’t understand why, if both are you are so unhappy, you still live together. While there are religious prohibitions against divorce, there are none against having two addresses and living completely separate lives.

  You don’t need to participate in a web forum for new parents to talk about 25 years worth of unhappiness. You need a lawyer.

• hubby
  Jun 16, 2007 at 9:29 pm

  I hope that all of you women who have lost interest in sex are very confident that some young, possibly beautiful young gal won’t make off with your domesticated, bread winning spouse. And leave you to grow old alone. Rest easy girls.

• kbaggott
  Jun 17, 2007 at 12:55 am

  Wow! I didn’t realize there were so many refugees from the 1950s, Hubby!

  Most women have babies, take care of them AND work. Welcome to modern times. And, husbands who take an active role in childcare and housework find that their wives recover from their lost libido.

  I am happy to report that mine is back and my husband is more attractive than ever. Mostly, because he is smart and understanding and doesn’t think like you!

• kbaggott
  Jun 17, 2007 at 12:58 am

  OK, I am hiding this comment. Our youngest is 18 months old today. This is not the only reason to celebrate. As I confessed, above, things are working again.

  Unfortunately, we’re both still starved for it.

  The kids have some kind of conspiracy going. They’ve stopped going to bed because the days are so long. They insist on prolonging their times of neediness throughout the evening.

  In some ways, it’s like being 17 again. Except, that instead of sneaking around so your parents don’t find out, you’re sneaking around so the kids don’t find out.

• kbaggott
  Jun 21, 2007 at 4:36 am

  The following comment came in via an IP that is connected to a service whose customers are generally spammers. For that reason, I did not want to open unfiltered posting up to this user. However, this is an open forum and I have quoted the text below:

  —QUOTE—–
  Since my partner found out she was pregnant our i sex life life has gone right down hill, well actually its fallen from the top of Everest and seems to have no sign of changing. Reading some of the comments I feel like my situation is me being silly and inconsiderate, but it seems that my partner (soon to be wife) reads all these books/magazines and takes their advice, she also has several friends she can discuss the issue with, while on the other hand if I were to breathe a word to anybody hell would break loose, during pregnancy sex was a no go she made very little effort to help with my sex drive (which I admit is rather high, in that we would have sex at least once a day) she would sit infront of me sometimes while I masterbated (watching tv) which made me feel like a dirty pervert, and we did manage sex 3 times towards the end of her pregnancy. Now our daughter is about 3 months old and absolutly nothing i know its still fairly early, she shows no interest in even helping me out orally or in any other way, we have discussed the issue she says maybee soon we can have sex once every two weeks weeks but it must last no longer than 10 minutes and she is doing it for me (in other words she wont enjoy it at all) which I dont want at all for me sex is a bit more than insert, thrust repeat untill done. I know her feelings may change, and she has already told me to go and have sex with someone else (which I dont want to do), I am getting married in under 2 months and am very worried that our sex life is over already I may sound like im grosly exadurating the possible future but the way its been over the last year and the way my partner talks about the issue I see no change ever !!!!!!! Comments please

  — END QUOTE —-

• Samantha
  Jun 28, 2007 at 1:27 pm

  My husband has always been a bit of a workaholic, has translated into him not always having the energy for his libido (which is otherwise good and healthy). In otherwords, he has often been the one saying “not tonight, honey, I have a headache…” That said, I am a bit younger and was in school for a while, and had more free time to store up sexual energy…so it was a bit of an imbalance but now that 12 years have gone by, things are better than they’ve ever been. The pregnancy - especially the second trimester - was the horniest time of my life. And I mean EVER - I was like a 19 year old boy. I couldn’t get enough. We had the best sex of our relationship so far while I was pregnant.
  Now we have resumed sex (at about 6 weeks), which we do have to be a bit gentle with still, but it’s pretty good. My question is that even though I love being horny, and in theory I’m always up for a romp, I’m not physically feeling as turned on as I used to. I think some of the nerve endings may still be repairing in the area that counts…so it’s hard for me to achieve orgasm and I haven’t actually done so with my husband yet since we’ve resumed. So how do I get that back? Is it a physical thing that I have to just wait on, or what? I guess it’s worth noting that I almost never orgasm through intercourse anyway; external stimulation is the only thing that works. Sigh. I just want to have that release with my husband, instead of separately.

• mark
  Jul 4, 2007 at 8:08 am

  To poor Phil.
  You are NOT NUTS you are in an identical situation I was in when married for 20 years.
  Now, new partner, and…although not getting abused anymore, my sex life with her is OVER. She is not interested and has no idea how important it is to my view of the relationship.
  I don’t know what to do except wait till baby is about 12 months old…she’s 10 months now.
  Maybe some blokes have got it worked out by going to brothels - at least they are not seeking a new relationship, just that they need the intimacy. Maybe if I didn’t have a conscience…

• Josh
  Jul 12, 2007 at 9:27 am

  I am a father of two, and loving husband. Am after reading these comments I am absolutely bewildered. There is some truth to those says that men are from mars, women from Venus. Ladies, please.

  I work a difficult job, law enforcement. Shift work which could land me one week on the night shift, one week during the day, etc. Despite this, every time I get home I dive right into work. I pick up, clean, put things away. Making sure that the house is in tip-top shape every single night I get home so it doesn’t pile up. Dishes, laundry, you name it. Then I have a little bit of time I spend with my kids.

  My wife, she gets home and really doesn’t have much to do. If dinner wasn’t made by me, then she has already eaten out. Everything is neatly put away or being put away. All she has to do is breastfeed our 4 month old and sit back.

  Sex has totally disappeared — and its not because of the husband not sharing in the responsibilities. I do my fare share and more — what I cannot do is feed my child, but she sleeps through the night and might wake up one time only.

  The wife just doesn’t want to have hubby time. She could put the kids to bed at 8:30 if she wanted to, and we could spend an hour or more together but that doesn’t happen. She’ll put them to bed at 9:30, fall asleep with them and leave me to do what I want.

  now I”m sure someone is going to say I need to be more understanding but give me a break, some women need to take responsibility. my wife needs to take responsbility and realize if she wants ‘us’ to be happy she needs to give it up. thank you.

• Babylune
  Jul 13, 2007 at 5:26 am

  [...] moment, comments can come whenever it is relevant to the reader. The conversation in the post about giving birth and losing your libido is worth re-visiting. Read More Technorati Tags: lost libido after childbirth, sex after marriage, [...]

• Sarah
  Jul 22, 2007 at 8:19 am

  I’m so glad I found this site. I was beginning to feel like maybe I was permanently damaged when I gave birth 3 months ago. I had a second degree tear which took 9 weeks to heal. My husband was very gentle with me when we decided to try sex again, so I didn’t have significant pain, but nothing feels the same as before. First there’s the lack of arrousal (but there is the interest), then there’s the lubrication issue, then I just feel numb down there. My breasts used to be an errogenous zone for me but now they feel like “they’re just for the baby.” I realize after reading this forum, that these feelings are most likely related to my hormone levels since I’m breastfeeding and not an anatomical problem. My husband and I have tried sex three times and each time an orgasm has been elusive. I want it but it just won’t happen. So it seems that the answer is to just wait and things will go back to normal in time. I guess this is nature’s form of birth control. At least now I know how common this is.

• kbaggott
  Jul 22, 2007 at 9:53 am

  Josh- It sounds like your wife is pretty unhappy. Now that we know how you feel about the situation, it sounds like you need to find out how she feels about it.

  Sarah- It does get better. I’ll write a post about what helped me in a few days. As soon as I can summon the courage to be really honest about it.

• Diane
  Jul 22, 2007 at 11:04 am

  kbaggott-

  I’ve never blogged before but hoping you can help me with some of your wonderful sound advice you’ve given to others.

  I’ll start by saying that we’ve been married for almost 7 years. We have 2 kids. One turns 4 in one week and the other will be six months old tomorrow. When our daughter was born, I had a 2nd degree tear. At three months, the tear had not healed correctly which caused me to have to have a second surgery to repair my perinium. Since then, I’ve always had pain and certain positions will tear me again. But my husband and I have learned how to avoid my pain causing positions. When our daughter was 3 months old, he began a 4 month affair. Then when she was 10 months old had a one-night-stand. Through lots of counseling, we worked through the issues, I thought. We lost a baby between the two kids, as a result of falling down some stairs. Then we got pregnant with our son. During pregnancy, my husband was verbally abusive to me. (He sounds like a real jerk, but has many more great qualities.) My reason for writing now is to find out how to help him understand my body. I have absolutely no sexual desire. I’m on zoloft for postpartum depression. I had major suicidal thoughts after birth. I’m breastfeeding. I’m getting up 2-3 times a night. I’m a full-time-mom. I do all the housework and mow the yard. (He goes to work and brings home the money.) He will play with the kids after he has eaten dinner. But heaven forbid dinner isn’t ready when he comes home. He yells and then won’t play with the kids because he has to have his temper tantrum.

  So, this week, he told me that he is unhappy with our sex life and has called me a corpse repeatedly. I sent my daughter to her grandparents last night. I got the house picked up and organized, but I didn’t have time to clean his car, because I promised to take our daughter swimming. (I can’t break my promise to her.) Then I came home, got really pretty, and met him at work when he got off. We went to a nice resaurant, with the baby, of course, and had a nice date. I was mentally ready to have sex. When we got home, his first words were, “So, what did you do all day? You are lazy!” There went all libido for me. He said that I was good for nothing.

  Today, again, I tried to be aroused. He told me that I must be a lesbian because I don’t feel like having sex and that I’m either a corpse or am attracted to women. He said that I should watch pornography with him. I said that it would mentally affect my mind. I’ve tried telling him in as many ways as I can to date me, romance me, help me around the house, be patient cause I know my feelings will return in time. They did as soon as I quit breastfeeding my daughter. He told me today that I am in a tough situation because he is going to go find a woman to sleep with and is going to start praying to God for him to provide a woman who can fulfill his desires. I do believe in for better or for worse. I must admit that this is the for worse part. I just want to know what I can say to him to help him understand that this too shall pass and to be patient with me and that name calling does nothing to help my libido.

  P.S. If you are a man and think like my husband, please stop. It tears your wife down so much and she has very little chance of overcoming her low libido when she is emotionally drained along side being physically drained.

• kbaggott
  Jul 23, 2007 at 2:29 am

  Diane,

  I am so, so sorry, but this doesn’t sound like it is your problem. Your husband might have some good qualities, but living with a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk who cheats on you and perverts his own faith to justify adultery has gotten you nowhere but on anti depressants with no self esteem. By putting this on you, he is not addressing his own emotional problems.

  I urge you to go to counselling yourself to work on why you put up with a grown man behaving like a two year/old. I would also suggest that you start looking for a job so that if this escalates to physical abuse against you or the kids, you have the money to get out. Please confide in a friend or relative who could take you and the kids in and keep you safe if he gets any worse.

• Samantha
  Jul 24, 2007 at 11:59 am

  Diane.
  Firstly, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a woman and as a mother in general. Living with a husband who is so unable to be supportive may have more to do with your lack of libido than you realize…though it sounds like you do realize it. I believe some antidepressants can also have an effect on the libido; zoloft is likely one of them.
  I am sure your husband does have many good qualities - many reasons to make you love him - but that does not excuse the way he is treating you. I look at it this way: I as a mother have a huge responsibility which goes far above and beyond the diaper changing and the laundry and even the cuddles (though of course those are imperative). It is my job above all else to be a good role model, and that includes showing my children how I allow others to treat me. Remember that especially in the case of your same-sex children (I think you said you have one of each), the way they see you responding to the way others behave around you is going to mold the way they let others treat them in turn. If you want your daughter to grow up and allow herself to be treated the way you are allowing yourself to be treated, then stay in your situation. If not, you need to give your husband an ultimatum or get out of the marriage. He needs to commit to some serious marriage counseling, or if he is unwilling, he will have to love without you.
  Just because a large portion of men in our society choose to be unfaithful doesn’t mean that has to be your lot in life. It sounds to me like you are breaking your back to do everything for everyone else. Another responsibility you have which goes with the role model thing is to value yourself enough to demand better! You and your children will ALL be better off for it.
  I wish you the best of luck in finding a happier life. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. It qualifies as domestic abuse, clearly, and you MUST take the necessary steps to stop it.

• kbaggott
  Jul 25, 2007 at 4:02 am

  Samantha- Thank you for speaking up and being so supportive toward Diana and other women in her situation.

• Samantha
  Jul 25, 2007 at 10:25 am

  I wish to qualify a minor typo - I said Diane’s husband would have to go to counseling or “love without her.” As it is evident that he is not treating her with love, I thought I should point out that I meant to type “live.” He is obviously living without her in a sexual way already, so I think she should kick him to the curb! That is not his right within a marriage contract.

• Josh
  Jul 25, 2007 at 5:32 pm

  I am a father of three, and our youngest is almost 7 months old now. Ever since my wife got pregnant with our second child, who is now two and a half, we have had almost no sex life. even when we do have sex, it feels like she is just going through the motions, there is no excitement or passion. I work a lot, and a long commute. I get an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night, so i know what its like to be tired. I help around the house, and have done tons of work on our yard, ripping out stumps, building fences, etc, and i also try to take our two older kids with me whenever i go to the store, just to give my wife the least amount of stress possible, but still she has no sex drive. I feel like she is simply no longer attracted to me, and wants nothing to do with me sexually. I love my wife, and i love my kids, and i would never cheat or leave them, but i am pretty much giving up on having a sex life ever again. if there is no true passion or attraction on her part, then it is not worth doing, and i feel like im some kind of monster even bringing it up with her. I just dont know what to do, and reading all of your comments dont give me any heart.

• kbaggott
  Jul 26, 2007 at 12:43 am

  Josh- You and some of the other men here talk about what you do to help and what great fathers you are, but there is one thing none of you mention: conversation & communication.

  Here is the thing, if you ask your wife “Why don’t we have a sex life?” you put her on the defensive. If you feel like a monster bringing it up, it’s probably because the communication is broken.

  I’ve faced the same issue in my own marriage and it isn’t easy. Yesterday, my husband returned from a long day away and had nothing to say to me. When I brought it up, he assumed that I was talking about missing a sexual connection. I was actually talking about feeling connected to someone.

  Remember that feeling, when you were first in love, that you could tell the other person anything and still be accepted?

  Where does that go?

  I am not saying I know, I am just asking. I can’t help but think that it is related to the missing sexual spark.

• A Beloved Item From the Lost & Found
  Jul 26, 2007 at 9:38 pm

  [...] not read past the cut. If you read this blog through a feed without the cut, you should also avoid all of these posts and stop reading the text [...]

• kbaggott
  Jul 27, 2007 at 5:27 am

  I finally got brave enough to update my personal story on this topic here.

  http://www.babylune.com/a-beloved-item-from-the-lost-found/

• Bob
  Aug 1, 2007 at 8:07 pm

  Here is a warning to all you women that don’t care about sex anymore and call your husbands “lame or selfish” . First off you were or are everything too him and he was blown away by how much you used to want him.
  My wife used to be the most passionate woman in the world. She is no longer. I adore her but in the past ten years she has rejected me so often that I refuse to keep persuing any kind of romance. I am tired of putting in all the effort for nothing.
  I fought the death of our sex life tooth and nail.
  But I can’t do it any more. In fact despite my deep affection for her i would rather die than have sex with her again. We were only having bad sex about every three months and great sex about every two years.
  So occasionally she is into it. I refuse to have sex with some one that doesn’t want to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Because of her constant rejection I no longer want her.
  Funny thing is I haven’t and will not cheat. It is better to masturbate than cause her that kind of hurt. At the same time if she were to have an affair I would be happy for her and shake the mans hand. (never thought I would feel that way)
  She tells em she loves me but I do not believe her
  I raised our kids so she could have an incredible career and she scorns me for going back to school to retrain my self so I can have that great career. Yes I still want to have sex. Yes I have contemplated an affair. But I will not harm my children or my wife; so no affair for me.
  Honestly I am not sure we are going to make it. She says she wants to stay together but no longer claims she wants a romantic life.
  Me being romantic is one of the things she used to say she loved about me. It is not important to her so it is not important to me. Our romance is over and the both of us are doomed to a life of increasingly less intimacy. And you know what ladies it is her fault. There is more to it than sex like her demanding I not work unless the kids are in school. her having no understanding of what it means for a man to give up his life completely.
  I knew when I married her that there was no way she would stay at home with the kids. She is a doctor and at the time I was working for PBS. I just thought she would appreciate me for giving up on my career and dreams for her. I knew what I was getting into but I didn’t know she didn’t care.
  I am totally depressed and relieved that I no longer am interested in having sex with the love of my life. This was my greatest fear about getting married.
  You ladies claim men are afraid of commitment.
  I wasn’t and look what happend to me.
  I went into our marriage as happy as a clam. I was going to spend the rest of my life and have children with a person that wanted me as much as I wanted her; my dream come true. To Bad she was lying; or at least she was when she said a life of romance and a healthy sex life were important to her. Man that could hook any guy. Hell she dosn’t even remember saying it. But she sure as hell remembers every little annoying thing there is about me.
  Well okay maybe it is not all her fault that our romance is dead. Maybe the fact that I do all the laundry and cook most of the meals doesn’t forgive my crimes like not folding a towel they way she would or even worse not having a sparkling clean house all the time.
  Even if I do get the house clean buy flowers and the whole bit she doesn’t care about sex. So still it is mostly her fault. Just as it is going to be mostly your fault when your man refuses to have sex with you and even worse cheats on you.
  Just because you have no understanding of the burden that male sexuality is gives you no right to belittle your spouse because of his Natural desires.
  So what if it is natural for women to loose interest. It is also perfectly natural for a man to want to have sex. You need to be understanding of that. Don’t just cal him selfish.
  After our fisrt daughter my wife was very understanding and had no problem lending me hand while she was recovering. we didn’t have intercourse but at least there was a something. I don’t know how or when or why she stopped aking an effort for our romance but the longer we have gone with out it the more difficult it became for me. The more she lost interest. You Have to keep touching you have to make time for laughing together.
  I made that a priority early in our relationship and I thought she did too. Unfortunately for both of us she didn’t think our sex-life or romance was the most important thing.
  I hate how I am ranting to a bunch of strangers about this but I can’t talk to her any more. I have read every book there is out there trying to get her to be involved in our relationship.
  Tell me this ladies how can a women possible want to remain in a relationship with a man she has no desire for? How can she expect him to continue his devotion to her? Is it fair to ask a man to value one woman above all else and not give him the same respect?
  If you are calling your man lame or selfish because he desires you than you are stupid. If you do not reciprocate his feelings his feelings will die. Like mine and I hate it.
  I still think she is the most amazing wonderful woman I have ever met.
  To end this plea and rant. I will say this I expect that sometime with in the year she might want to have some sex. As sad as this is for me to admit I will gladly tell her that I am not interested hell I don’t even want to kiss her anymore. It’s like kissing my sister. If she wants sex she will either have to reduce her self to masturbation (like me) or go find it somewhere else. That might hurt her but than again it might just make her day. Again don’t make you man become like me.

• kbaggott
  Aug 2, 2007 at 12:14 am

  Bob- This conversation hasn’t used the word lame. We’re talking about a temporary loss of libido after a woman gives birth, not about total relationship breakdown.

  You might think your sex life is broken, but it isn’t. Your marriage is broken. You say you “can’t talk to your wife about it” because you think sex and desire are the problem when it is a symptom. If you wanted to fix this, you could open yourself up to change and go to counselling.

  There is another man who commented here who said that two wives abandoned him sexually. Excuse me? Two? Exactly the same situation?

  Perhaps it’s about his relationship patterns rather than the women. Maybe you and wife are locked into a bad pattern that you have to break. Reading books doesn’t improve communication. talking, arguing passionately, feeling something strongly and expressing those feelings improves communication.

  If you and wife are so withdrawn from your relationship, why are you still together? Perhaps you need to sit down and think about that. Then, you need to give the list to your wife and tell her, this is why I am still married to you.

• Just.a.Girl
  Aug 8, 2007 at 1:48 pm

  Ya… I can so relate to a lot of what is being talked about above!

  I had two daughters back in 89 and 90. I had no problem getting back on track with my sexual life. I then got a divorce in 96 and remarried in 97.

  In 98 I had my third daughter. I lost every desire to have sex from that moment on. It has been 9 years now and there is still NO change. What is a girl to do? I have heard and tried EVERYTHING!

  I feel horrible for my sweet husband! I am truley blessed to have ended up with him in my life. He has stood by me and has no problem talking to me about my issues. He still tells me how beautiful and attractive I am and softly sweeps over my back with his hands while I’m half asleep.

  If & when I ever find a cure for this issue… I will be sure to post it here for all you wonderful woman going through this terrible ordeal. No one should feel this way.

  Here is a link that I found very interesting to read and gives great insight on the issue:

  http://health.discovery.com/centers/womens/sexualhealth/healthysex_print.html

  I hope all returns back to normal for you girls! Have a wonderful week! :)

• mama bear
  Aug 9, 2007 at 8:08 am

  I have a beautiful two year old son and a three month old daughter and a wonderful husband. He is not as slim or trim as he was when we married, but neither am I. I love him and I want to be intimate with him, but it has been most difficult.

  With my first little one exhaustion made sex difficult for about a year, but then things improved. So much so that we now have a beautiful baby girl. With this little one I had a third degree tear and I am still sore after 3 months.

  We fool around and snuggle and can engage in shallow intercourse but anything substantial is too painful. I have a tearing pain anytime we try. I am often not in the mood, but my loving husband tries so hard to get me there (massage, compliments) that I can’t help but be convinced. So an understanding gentle wooing husband is not the problem. I am nursing as well, but we use lots of lubricant so that is not as much of an issue. Maybe time is the only answer. But any help would be appreciated by both my husband and I.

• Diane
  Aug 10, 2007 at 12:42 pm

  I read all that was written specifically to me and I appreciate it. It has given me much to think about. I’m praying about our marriage and have hope that it can change. However, I’m sure I’m being very naivee. On the outside, talking about leaving my husband is the easy solution. For me, talking about it and actually doing it are two different things. The one form of advice I will be following up on right now is to get personal counseling for me. My husband doesn’t think we need any more counseling.

  Once again, I thank each of you who wrote back to me with the advice.

• Christy
  Aug 10, 2007 at 8:49 pm

  I’m only 3 1/2 weeks into postpartum and want to have sex with my husband. Is it safe?

• Diane
  Aug 13, 2007 at 12:52 pm

  mama bear,

  the same happened to me after the birth of my first child. I went to my OB/GYN to get it checked out. It turned out that my tear did not heal properly. I had to have another surgury to repair it, but it helped tons. It’s still not perfect, but we were able to enjoy nearly everything again, that is until I gave birth to my second. If you’ve not talked to your doctor, go see him/her. I was glad I did even though it meant more surgury and stitches again. At least I don’t hurt all the time anymore. I hope this helps you.

• kbaggott
  Aug 15, 2007 at 1:05 am

  Christy, you are still in danger of infection until the sixth to eighth week, especially if the blood and mucous haven’t stopped.

• kbaggott
  Aug 15, 2007 at 1:07 am

  Mama bear,

  Improper healing of episitomy cuts and tears is more common than you might think. You may have been over/stiched or have funny scar tissue that needs to be removed and restitched. Please have your gynecologist take a look.

• Josh
  Aug 18, 2007 at 7:59 pm

  I left some comments above, and you asked if perhaps there is a breakdown in communication. I would say that of course there was at least some, how can a man, who physically NEEDS sex, go to his wife who has no desire and figure out whats going on? I was able to breach that wall by sending her the link to this page. Of course her answer was, “see, im not the only one”, to which i replied, “i never thought that you were the only one, i just want you to see this from both sides.” My wife still has no desire, and i guess i will just have to learn to live with that. It’s horribly frustrating for a man who sees his beautiful wife every day, and shares his bed with her, but not be able to touch her sexually. I agree with one thing that Bob said above: i would rather not have sex at all, than to try having sex when she has no desire. if its no there on her side, then i might as well be having sex with a blowup doll. I see no resolution to this any time soon, but at least i understand it better, and i know not to push her at all anymore.

• Shani
  Aug 19, 2007 at 3:57 pm

  Josh,

  I don’t have time to reread the entire thread, but since you still seem at a loss for what to do, perhaps you should focus on *becoming* someone your wife wants to have sex with. It’s hard to feel sexy after a long day of work, either in the home or out of it. Those gears are not always easy to change, so you might have to work harder to romance her (and she might have to make more effort, as well).

  In my case, I’d be all over my husband if he just once washed the dishes. :-) As our lives have changed, gotten busier and more complicated, the things that used to turn me on don’t always do it anymore. It’s practical stuff!

  Perhaps something in your approach to your wife makes *her* feel like a blowup doll instead of a loving, equal partner?

  I think the breakdown in communication involves more than just sex, if the only way you were able to broach this subject with your wife was by sending her an internet link, instead of simply speaking with her.

  Have you considered marriage counseling?

• kbaggott
  Aug 20, 2007 at 3:42 am

  Shani- This is thoughtful and clear. Maybe you should become a counselor.

• Ten Things That Happened to Me: The Reproductive Health Issue
  Aug 20, 2007 at 7:17 am

  [...] I lost my libido and got my groove [...]

• shani
  Aug 21, 2007 at 7:27 am

  Hermes,

  Sleep is an even stronger drive than sex. That’s has nothing to do with a feminist agenda, it’s simple physiological fact for both men and women.

  Other than your misogynist interpretation of feminism, your comment echoes things I and others have already said above. Do you have something to add?

• kbaggott
  Aug 21, 2007 at 7:30 am

  The following comment was submitted from “Hermes” via an IP typically associated with spam. I have copied it below for your consideration.

  “Kbaggot, you are feminist, yes? I feel that tone of much of your advice is agenda driven, and in an effort to further feminst social messages you are ignoring the wider issues that people are raising in this thread.

  1. Men, really, really need to have sex with their wives.

  I feel that you don’t take this fact seriously. It’s a REALLY big issue for men, and so by extension, for a loving couple too. Women must recognise this before suggesting that he do more housework, and be more seductive because these are not sure-safe remedies to the problem.

  2. Many woman loose their sex drives temporarily after childbirth. It just happens. No amount of housework, seducing, communication and understand will bring it back in the short-term. It’s just an unfortunate reality for many couples.

  3. These two facts are insoluble and will lead to marriage problems, (maybe really bad long term ones), unless both parties respect each others situation, doing as much as possible to keep their partner in positive spirits.

  This may take the form of the following examples,

  for a man: doing more house work, communicating and understanding, seducing, being very, very patient.

  for a woman: understanding the man’s plight, don’t feel guilty, kiss him while he masturbates, don’t forget his needs, be aware of them.

  This issue of sex after childbirth needs to be understood an respected from both sides for couples to pass through it in a positive way.”

  My feeling is that the comment summarizes exactly what this whole discussion has been about without adding anything new except for attacking me for believing that men and women’s concerns and experiences are equal.

• Hermes
  Aug 21, 2007 at 5:12 pm

  Shani and Kbaggot, yes I would like to add that this thread needs some balance, just like the issue of sex after childbirth.

  After reading all the posts in this thread, I felt that the facts I mentioned were in danger of being blurred, and understated by a feminist discourse. So I summarised the thread, leaving out this discourse. This is a popular thread, I’m sure you’ve noticed; it tops google searches on the topic. I assumed that there will be many men reading this thread who feel alienated by the tone of the advice given.

  Please, you must realise that not everyone agrees with feminism: and that doesn’t make them a misogynist or an attacker… Seriously, ‘If you’re not for us, you’re against us’??? I feel you’re playing into the negative stereotypes that many people have about feminism.

• kbaggott
  Aug 21, 2007 at 9:27 pm

  Hermes- You didn’t mention any facts in your original post, just opinions.

  And, quite frankly, feminism has not been mentioned in this discussion until you brought it up.

  But balance is all about equality and if you see your needs as superior to, or more important than your wife’s health, then you are against the basic fundamentals of marriage and relationships.

• Hermes
  Aug 22, 2007 at 11:02 am

  ‘But balance is all about equality and if you see your needs as superior to, or more important than your wife’s health, then you are against the basic fundamentals of marriage and relationships.’

  You still think I’m a misogynist? What,… what exactly did I say that gave you the impression that I see my sexual needs as more important than my wife’s health? Where did that come from?

  I don’t believe feminism helps to solve the contradictions that exist between the sexes; I feel it exacerbates them, and or creates new ones, in addition to harming the very nature of each gender.

  So you want facts to support my little old opinion.

  In response to many of the comments posted by men in particular you unleashed unhelpful prejudices when attempting to help couples.

  I will list the responses you gave that bothered me most.

  1. To Colin

  The post was obviously very offensive to mothers of young children; it confirmed the unspoken, primal fear that their provider will abandon them right when they need them most.

  Unfortunately I feel you missed the real message behind this man’s post: he is bitter and regrets the self restraint he exerted in his youth because it was unrequited.

  You instead, in your feminist inspired fury, launched into an attack, completely showing your own misguided understanding of a man’s libido. Kbaggot, it can not be understated how much men want to make love to their wives, (even when they are tired).

  What you should have said was: Hey this guy didn’t work things out properly and look what happened to him, the poor fellow. The wife cheated on him, got all his money, took away his kids…

  2. Richardo

  What, what on earth made you feel the need to have to give this blogger advice on how to raise their kid? I thought it was hypocritical, ironic and mostly just very patronising. I have seen it time and time again the deep seated maternal insecurity that arises when a woman sees a man taking the traditional role of a women, raising a child. This reaction from a non-feminist woman doesn’t bother me at all, really. I understand the sight of a grown man looking after a baby must really shake the very identity of a woman. However coming from a feminist, someone who I assumed to be ‘above’ that kind of thing, I started to wonder. I suspected an unsavoury offshoot of this motherly distrust, the kind that has it’s roots in feminism, was motivating you and that bothered me because I know a lot of people take your advice seriously. Woman should trust men. (And men should trust women)

  An unspoken irony of feminism is the intellectual hijacking and perversion of a natural, deep seated and earthy distrust of men IMO. This distrust shouldn’t be encouraged, couples need to get past it.

  3. Colby

  The guy sounded like a top guy, but still you had to get the message in there about big families being hard on women and that he should consider this, and a vasectomy ( it might sound to some like a specious front for pushing the great emasculator)

  Maybe his wife is just not ready. End of story. Why do you have to push the case seemingly always, I feel, that men just aren’t doing enough? What about the wife, why not focus on her?

  4. Phil

  I once heard a line in an old movie, it went something like this: ‘when the marriage is on the rocks, the stones are in the bed!’

  I feel you understated this old guy’s need to make love to his wife. I agree with you he seemed ill, but again you should have pointed to him as another example of what might happen if you don’t deal with this issue properly, with respect, effort and above all love. I gathered that he commented here because that is the message he wanted young people to take home. God bless him. I apologise, I don’t feel your feminism lead you astray on this response.

  5. Hubby

  OK, he didn’t contribute anything. So why did you have to say: ‘husbands who take an active role in childcare and housework find that their wives recover from their lost libido.’? That’s just false, because you didn’t say ‘eventually’, which is key to the advice. Without that qualifier, you seem to be surreptitiously sending the message that men ‘better work for it’ (which is itself a power entrenched feminist message). Saying the above without making it clear that it may have no immediate effect on her libido is dangerous, because it may confuse, disappoint and potentially anger many who are really at their wits end, under enormous stress dealing with the no sex issue.

  Also, In opting to lash out at Hubby for his insensitive contribution you showed an unwise, insular feminist rhetoric which foolishly drives and sets the stage for more chauvinist responses to this thread.

  6. Josh

  So why didn’t you respond to any women bloggers so curtly and ask for their husbands side of the story?

  7. Diane

  Get another job - he might start beating you? C’mon, the guy’s got issues obviously but what gives you the right to suggest he’s about to start bashing the poor, stricken women. This seemed like an over reaction born of a feminist witch hunt against domestic violence.

  So there you have my facts, well at least the reasons I had for suggesting that you were understating the points I made due to a feminist agenda, and so not giving readers comprehensive
  advice.

  However having said that I want to say that just because I think you weren’t giving comprehensive advice, doesn’t mean I think you were giving bad advice. Most of what you say is itself, wonderful and it was great coming here to find out how other people are dealing with this issue. Kbaggot, you obviously know your stuff about this issue, please don’t mistaken my responses as rejection of your knowledge. I simple don’t like part of the framework in which you present your good advice. I am sure you are a great mother and I see that many people respect and benefit from reading your blogs. Please keep up the good work!

• shani
  Aug 22, 2007 at 11:30 am

  Feminism is about equality for women. If you’re not in favor of that? It’s misogynist.

  I’m not going to bother with the rest of your comments, because they are so absurd.

• kbaggott
  Aug 22, 2007 at 11:39 am

  Hermes- Have you ever considered coming to live in the real world and reading what people actually say rather than what you read into it?

• Hermes
  Aug 22, 2007 at 12:31 pm

  Shani - Oh dear… It’s an unfortunate forum where if you say you don’t like feminism, you are branded a misogynist.
  Feminism is not about equality for women, it’s about much, much more. I suppose if you are to take me seriously I need to say I believe that women deserve most of the same opportunities as men, they should get the same pay blah blah blah…, they should be viewed as equal where it is in fact true (which is most of the time). OK? I believe women ought to be unimpeded to succeed in politics, sport, entertainment, the arts、the sciences. Listen, I have a daughter, and I want her to live a world where she has right to flower, and grow to her full potential what ever that may be. Every parent has ideas about what they would like their children to become、but mine, I assure are not premised on feminism, nor are they in anyway by extension based on misogyny. I never pressure her to play stereotypically ‘girl’ games; in fact I’m happy for her that she feels comfortable to play rough, boisterous games with boys as seems to be her nature. I always defend, and support her when well meaning relatives pressure her to do otherwise.

  My comments aren’t worth addressing because they are absurd, hey? Well,… at least tell me why they are absurd.

  Kbaggott - if what I wrote was all a gross misinterpretation, well… poor me, maybe. But, are you telling me, let me get this straight, that everything I wrote was without merit? Invalid? Completely off the mark? Please, be honest, but before you do, carefully consider what I said, and try to imagine that… I am not a misogynist!

• kbaggott
  Aug 22, 2007 at 10:19 pm

  Hermes, this site and this forum is a resource for families where the woman is recovering from childbirth.

  Political, critical, social and religious discourse has not been a part of this discussion. MOre specifically, the rest of us have been discussion practical means of addressing specific hormonal, emotional and physical injuries women experience as a result of childbirth.

  If you believe that an attack on feminism is in order, you might try a forum that has been created to address that particular topic.

• Hermes
  Aug 23, 2007 at 7:44 am

  Kbaggot, yes I agree, it’s not the right place. I made my initial comment out of a concern that many men, reading this thread may feel alienated by it. I wanted to bring balance to the thread. You asked for my reasons and I offered them. I understand this site is dedicated to the health of women, but this topic is a concern of both sexes, and if you google it, this thread appears near the top of the list. I just wanted you, as mediator, to be aware of your biases so as that you may help male readers take heart in your good practical advice, rather than feeling alienated by it. I’m sure you never intended to do that, that is: alienate men readers, and I hope I never gave you the impression that I felt you were indeed so malevolent, and I apologise, really, if I did make you feel like that. However, the discourse of feminism, unfortunately for you, alienates men. Sorry it’s a fact - but let’s just leave it at that, because I know this is not the place. I apologise and will say no more, forgive me.

• Hermes
  Aug 23, 2007 at 8:00 am

  I’m sorry, by ‘health of women’ - I meant ‘women’. Women’s health is obviously a concern of their husbands.

• New Mom
  Aug 24, 2007 at 12:14 pm

  Wow, that is a long list of other Mommies that feel just the way that I do. With only the occasional jerk comment (Hubby). I feel sorry for you.

  I have a 2 and 3/4 year old Autistic child, and a 3 month old who is nursing. My Husband is what you would call a Boobs Man, and can’t seem to understand why I don’t want him grabbing me all the time. I hate to be that way! But I think that all of you know how that feels! As far as sex, I am crazy about my Husband, but I too am stuck in labido destitution. Have been for what seems like 3 years now. I too thought that another pregnancy might change that, but nope. I have never felt so guilty in my life, and got the impression that my Hubby is almost to the point of being fed up with me…. He tried to use the tactic of “If it doesn’t happen soon, my demons might take over, and I don’t want them too…” Which he knew had backfired by the tears in my eyes. He apologized rather quickly. I will say though, to all of you other Mommies stuck in the same desert, this does come to an end. Your sex drive does come back, and it comes back better than ever. Understanding has to go both ways, maybe there are other ways to meet your hubbies half way. Such has the cuddling, although, that’s not even there for me…. Try taking a bubble bath together by candlelight, and see what happens. (Ibuprofen helps too…) If only loving conversations comes of it all, I think your hubbies would settle for just being warm, skin to skin, next to their beautiful wife. I wish the best of luck to you all, and don’t stress too much over any of this, it’s all obiously a normal part of recovering from what is the most painful thing we will ever go through. But our babies are soooo worth it. And to our Faithful Husbands, Hang in there, one day our sex drives will come back with a bang, and will be well worth the time lost. Remember, “In sickness, and in Health” We are a little fearful, and under the weather, and need our Husbands to be there for us. Healing comes a lot faster that way.

  Take care

• New
  Aug 24, 2007 at 1:34 pm

  Bob, you sound like you still love your wife, but you are so frustrated, you don’t know what to do! I would say that, Most if not all Hubbies feel the same way that you do. Marriage has never been, nor will it ever be, about Sex. I could say that, as a Man, you don’t know what we go through, and you don’t… But, as a woman, it’s hard for me to understand why I can’t just “turn it on” like you, or any other man. What do you love about your wife? Is she a good Mother? Is she a good provider, is she there when you have a bad day, and just need your best friend. Sure, sex brings us in to a relationship, but what happens is someone get’s let’s say, seriously injured in an accident, and can no longer have sex. Does that mean that you leave them? No. You have to hang on to everything else that you love about her. Maybe she is overly focused on her job, it’s hard to say, without knowing her. Maybe you should take her on a vacation, just the two of you, or just a dinner. Tell her that you miss her, and why you love her, why you fell in love in the first place. I Have to give you kudos though, for not straying on your wife, that takes a bigger man. My parents have been married for just over 30 years, and they have had their ups and downs, but they hang on to each other, because their love goes so much deeper than pettiness. Sex is not the only way to show someone that you love them.

• New Mom
  Aug 24, 2007 at 2:13 pm

  Diane, Kbaggot, and Samantha,

  Thank God Diane, that we have this website, I was absolutely FLOORED when I read your blog. What the Hey? Sweety, NO ONE deserves to be treated so badly. I hope that you are OK, and that you are able to either get help, or to leave that situation. As a Mother, divorced and now remarried to a Wonderful man (with issues of course, no one is perfect for sure) I have learned that children tend to grow up as a product of their environment. YOU, as the Mother, (which is God in the eyes of their children) have the ability to form and mold them. You would be surprised at just how much the pick up on, and remember. My 14 yr old, forgot to put him in my first blog (bad Mommy, sorry bubb)remembers my first husband throwing things at me, and he was 4. As a Father, he should be setting a Healthy example for his little ones… How is tearing you down, showing them how treat their Mom? There is sooo much out there for you, so many Mommies, who will watch out for you. Leaving my Ex, was the best thing that I could have done for my son. My Ex and I learned a lot from that, he hurt, I hurt, but our son is seing a Healthier relationship, because we no longer fight. His step Dad, is HUGE in his life as well. God brought a better Husband for me, and I am truly Thankful. You are the only person who can take care of you. I know that Divorce is an ugly scary word, but outside of help, that may be your only option. You have to believe in yourself, and I think that you need help to be able to do that. Believe me, I needed it too. I hope again, that you are OK, I didn’t see any other notes.

• Josh
  Aug 29, 2007 at 12:05 am

  My wife brought up the same thing as stated above by Shani, that if I were to do more chores around the house, help with the kids more, then she would find that attractive and a turn on. Well… I have been doing that, consistently, and it has gotten me no where. And you want to tell me about how tired you are after a hard day’s work? I get up at four, leave for work at 4:50, get to work at 6:30, get off work at 4:00pm if im lucky, then get home at 6:00pm, again, if im lucky. I am the only one in my home that works, because i dont want my wife to have to worry about providing financial income, and she wants to be a stay at home mom. As you can see, by the time i get home, ive been up for 14 hours, all of which was either dealing with traffic or at work. When i get home, i try to take a shower so i wont interrupt putting our youngest to sleep, and i spend time with the kids and my wife. I help with the baths, I help with dinner, I take care of any bills that have to be paid, and then i go to bed at 11. Please do not tell me that i need to help more around the house, because i am doing that. I just want to know what can be done to help my wife and i get a real sex life again. i dont know if its from breastfeeding, or a hormone imbalance, or what. I agree with hermes, all the opinions on this have been in support of the wife’s needs, but what about the husbands? what about the caring, patient, helping husbands? obviously none of us are perfect, but when husbands like me put SO MUCH effort into being understanding, why cant my our wives put at least SOME effort into some physical affection? it doesnt even have to be sex. My wife wont kiss me unless shes going to bed, and she NEVER hugs me, rubs my shoulders, holds me in bed, nothing! There is no effort on her part, and she seems perfectly fine with that, and THAT is what is driving me insane.

• Samantha
  Aug 29, 2007 at 10:15 am

  Josh,
  I can see you are feeling alone in your marriage. That is not okay, in spite of the fact that your wife may be suffering from some post-partum issues (I don’t know how old your kids are).
  I am lucky enough to be married to a wonderful, wonderful man, and he also works an awful lot as he owns his own business. He helps out at home, but I do take my responsibility as the one at home pretty seriously. Because we have a four-month old, I can’t always stay caught up on the laundry, etc., but I try to have hot meals ready for him most of the time, and I rarely refuse him a request for a back rub or some cuddles.
  Our sex life is probably the best it has ever been - aside from my second trimester, when I was hornier than a 19-year old boy…The reason for this is not that I am “back to normal” sexually. It is still very tender at first, every time, as I guess my tissue is still healing/adjusting to some slight changes from the birth. So that part we take slowly. I am also slower to orgasm, and so we have purchased a battery operated device that can be holstered onto the man, allowing me to achieve the big “O” while on top.
  All of this is great, but I don’t always feel like having sex when we agree to do it. This is not because my husband puts me under any pressure at all, which he does not - often he is as tired as I am uninspired, so we tend to balance each other out. What we are doing when we agree to have a little afternoon “quickie” is making time for intimacy because even when we don’t feel like doing it, onec we have, our connection is stronger. We are both shy people, as well, and while it can be hard to open up and be free with one another (even after 12 years), the more we do it anyway, the easier it gets.
  May I suggest that you show this blog to your wife, to give her a few perspectives? I will also add that aside from being an at-home Mom for now, I have an occupation outside of the home. I secured that before we had a child, because I think it is crucial to a Mom’s well-being to have an identity outside of the home. That doesn’t mean it’s not okay to be full-time at home, but I think a woman should always have one foot in the community, be it through volunteer work, a moms and tots group, a small business, job or whatever. That way, when her kids go off to school she won’t find herself sitting there wondering what to do with herself - or worse: where her self went!
  Good luck to you, Josh. Perhaps when your wife understands that it is mostly about you just missing her (and of course sex is a crucial extension of this), she will soften and make more of an effort.

• New Mom
  Aug 29, 2007 at 1:18 pm

  Hi Josh,

  My Husband and I are in the same exact situation over here, I am a stay at home Mom as well. May I ask how old your little one is? I can understand your frustrations, you have probobly been used to receiving a lot of affection from your wife. I can only explain to you from a womans perspective, so I hope that it might be helpful. My Husband works 2 jobs 7 days a week, and twice a year for 2 months, he has school with homework as well. I too, have had a hard time “Getting back in to the swing of things”. My Husband was trying to be open about his feelings, and was also trying to let me know that he finds me beautiful, by touching me, and asking for intimacy all the time. When I was too tired, and would say “No honey, not tonight”, he would give a heavy sigh, and role over. Granted, just like him, I was running on fumes. You see, staying at home is a lot of work too. I don’t have hours, I have naps at night. My baby is up every 3 hours. So I go to bed around 11, get up at 1am, 4am, 5:30 with my Husband, and than my baby is usually up by 7am. And I’m up until 11pm. My 3 year old is Autistic, so I have a lot of work on my hands just with my boys. Plus a 14 year old in Marching band. Than I also have Laundry for 5 people, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, organizing the bills, and nursing, ev